To Be, or Not To Be, a Mom
by Josephine Laing
There is nothing more beautiful then a child. Nor is there an experience more sacred than watching a child being born. Witnessing the other doorway to the divine, death, is a close second, but birth is simply miraculous. When one or more persons decides to create and or raise a child, the doors to love fly wide open and a family is born. But the family pattern can reach much farther then that. Together lets examine some of the pluses and some of the minuses regarding family patterns, and then explore the evolving nature of family, along with a variety of expressions that the broader experience of motherhood can take.
My mother had three babies, two boys and a girl. All of us were delivered by natural childbirth. Having been raised on a farm, she had seen and attended the births of animals since she was a child. As a young woman she helped the other women in her community attend to the human babies being born, without doctors, in farm house beds. She was confident, wanted children, knew what to expect and then innately knew what to do.
But this is not always the case. My four aunts all had troubles with motherhood. But back then, there was no questioning it. Like it or not, every American woman, with very few exceptions, had to have children. If she didn't, it was assumed there was something wrong with her. For my aunts, motherhood was expected, birth was frightening and raising children was more than a challenge. Two of them were so overwhelmed by the task that their parents had to step in and take over part or all of the job. The other two managed to do their own child-rearing, but suffered psychologically from the strain. Fortunately, their husbands, realizing the toll it was taking on their wives managed to step up and pitch in. But not all marriages are sound enough for this. Too often families break apart under these kinds of stress-ors. And though some single parents can and do heroically rise to the task of raising their children on their own, the truth is that it would really help to have a village. And clearly, the nuclear family, our culturally-based ideal, is too often not enough.
In the 1950's, in this country, it was every young woman's pre-programmed desire to marry and support her husband's career and raise a family for him. That's how patriarchal cultures like it to be. But the later half of the century showed us that this doesn't really work for either the men or for the women. As a young girl, I watched as all of my older female cousins of that era had that societally imposed dream come shattering down around their heads. Of course their hearts fought valiantly to hold the love of their family bonds together, but discord, financial strain and alcoholism were strong opponents. Fortunately, we humans are very resilient, and they all survived it, but not with their families intact. Watching all of this as a young woman certainly gave me pause.
My brothers and I were the lucky ones. Our mother embraced motherhood with the same desire and confidence that a duck has for water. And our father stood steadfastly by her. Many was the weekend when all of the cousins were at our house, a herd of kids, well fed and having a blast, splashing in the lake and running wild. We had so much fun together, and my parents took it all easily in their stride. Some families are like that, steady, sound, well-grounded and well provided for. And they are good at it raising kids.
I feel very fortunate that my brothers and I were so well loved and well cared for. I wish everyone could be. Our mother would scoop us up in her arms and kiss us all over and read us stories in bed at night. Our daddy would tuck us in and play with us in the evenings and on the weekends. He provided for us and protected us and loved us. My parents were true to each other. And if they did disagree, we never heard about it.
Those kinds of family experiences are too rare these days. And not everyone is so blessed. One of my aunts just couldn't stand being squished down into the house-wife role. It didn't fit. Her husband got angry and after too many years of that, she left. Shortly after her divorce, she dropped her two young boys off at her parent's home in the mid-west, for a week and didn't come back for them for over a year. The boys wound up living on their own by the time they were in their early-teens. They all got through it though and both of her sons went on to become very good fathers. Now they are grandpas and we just celebrated great-grandma's ninetieth birthday with her in style.
Another one of my aunts had such a difficult time with motherhood that she could barely touch her son. Her mother had raised her first child for her, a daughter. And her second husband mostly raised their boy.
Fortunately, now, women like my aunts, don't have to follow these societally imposed familial obligations anymore. If they don't want to, they don't have to. And, many of our religious communities are beginning to realize that the doctrine to go forth and procreate, (which at one time served to secure future community members,) is now outmoded and no longer viable given our world over-population dilemma. Even in the catholic community, those large families of fourteen and sixteen kids from yesteryear are rarely seen in America these days. And thank goodness, the "shot-gun wedding," still alive and well in the 1950's has become a rarity with advances in contraception.
Too often, throughout our his-story, young women have lost their virginity and become pregnant at the same time. They suddenly find themselves with child and no means of support, and often no desire to be mothers. When we are inexperienced and under-educated about our own biology and then swayed by the deep pull of our ovulation, we can be very vulnerable. This combined with a young lover's intense interest and persistence can over ride our resistance. These situations are as old as time. But luckily for us, legions of women's rights activists worked tirelessly on our behalf during the last century and Roe v. Wade passed into law in 1973. This plus the free clinics resulting from the cultural revolution of the 1960's, gave rise to the family planning services we have today. Since then, many young women have had access to an unbiased and thorough education in human sexual biology and contraception. Thus enabling them to either plan the timing of their families if they want them, or if not, enabling them to protect themselves from the huge responsibility of raising children.
It is my sincere belief that spirit never dies. If a child is meant to come to this world, it will. Divine arrangement will make certain that it will happen. And if parents are thus allowed to be discerning, that child will only be born into a loving, welcoming family who is ready, willing and able to receive it. And what a blessing that is.
I've seen images of humpback whales in migration. Usually you see a mother, her baby, and the auntie. That's the way they do it. The auntie helps the mom. She has no child of her own and for that first long migratory trip back up the coast, the auntie assists by keeping predators at bay and making sure the baby is kept close to the surface and helping to push it up for a breath now and then.
As much as we love and enjoy children, Frank and I were never called to raise a family. We dearly enjoy our many nieces and nephews though and we often have them come stay with us for spring break and summer holidays. We've helped them to get into college here, gotten them part-time jobs, and have hosted the families for graduation dinners. But we never really wanted any kids of our own. Frank wasn't terribly eager and I had far too many concerns, like the sheer amount of physical work involved, the sizable expense, along with my observations of all my family member's troubles, and I especially had a profound concern over global environmental uncertainty. I feel that a question worthy of being asked is whether or not the world will continue to be a safe place for our children. Deforestation, soil erosion, food and water issues, carbon footprints, ocean-resource depletion and pollution, are not to be underestimated.
My father pressed, of course. He felt that my life would be incomplete without children. Many parents do. And even strangers sometimes inquire, all insisting that a young woman can't possibly feel fulfilled if she doesn't have a family of her own. But, believe me, I didn't and I do. (Feel fulfilled.) Still, people have told me for years that I'd make a great mother. And, I'm sure that on some level they were right. However, in my heart of hearts, I just didn't want to. I didn't feel a strong call. And I think that's the most important reason of all.
It's fun being an auntie, though, I really like it. It's kind of like being a grandmother. You're not so heavily invested in properly socializing the child. You're a little more free to just have fun and shower love on them. And, for the most part, the parents truly appreciate the help and the time out.
But ever since we were young, Frank and I have seen so many couples fall in love, get married, start living together, immediately begin to commingle funds, all of which is challenging enough, and then jump into the very fast lane of child-rearing. Too often, these pressures added together in close succession mount up and become too much for their love to bear. They begin to show the strain and blame each other for the burdens that are too heavy for most anyone to carry.
Perhaps it's gentler to take those steps one at a time. Can you live together without commingled funds? That's what we did for eight years. That way, if I bought a new dress, Frank was as happy about it as I was. And, if he bought another bike, it was great. And we didn't have to worry about saving for a home and a family. After a while, we thought the home was a good idea, and together we went for that. Then that was good enough for us. And just Frank and I (along with our various plants and animals) together formed our own immediate family.
One of my friends has two horses, two dogs, some goldfish and a cat which make up her family. As a naturopath, she sees and tends to people with their problems all day, so her animal family is a refreshing change to come home to. They take her out every evening to visit her extended family, the meadows and streams and trees. And groups of friends can become family. We've met with our local college buddies for Easter for the past thirty some odd years. If any of us has any trouble, we all pitch in to help.
And there's no guarantee that children will provide for you in older age. Though many do, I have seen plenty that don't. And sometimes even the opposite is true. A growing number of parents find themselves still supporting their adult children, or even raising their children's children. So, if I was in a position to discuss the option of starting a family with a young woman, I'd have to say, consider it carefully before diving in, as it can be daunting. As for my own part, I think I like the Auntie idea.
Now, our nieces and nephews are starting to settle here. Some of them are considering the possibility of starting a family. If they are up for it and they do so, it will be wonderful to be great aunt and great uncle and give mom and dad a break from time to time. Help them all to come up for some air.
In the meanwhile, there is no shortage of children in the world who need love and support. Frank's mother loved raising children so much that in her retirement years, she went to work part-time in the local elementary school. The first graders were her favorites. Those little children are all now grown and having families of their own. And they greet her with love, love, love in the grocery store, and she gets to hold their babies too.
Here in our own neighborhood, we have all of these young adults on our street. Most are on their own for the first time, starting their college careers. So, Frank and I meet them and greet them as they go about their day. We take the time to get to know them. We garden and ride bikes together. And, if anything goes wrong or if something has just scared one of us, we know that we can come right over and talk about it or get help. And we do. (Not too unlike an older European town or a village somewhere.)
Sometimes our neighbors show up at our door in a near panic, or with tears in their eyes. Troubled. And, I thank all that is good and whole, that we are here to help. They know that they can lean on us if they have need. And we get to lean on them. We help each other with all kinds of things, all any of us need to do is ask. We all embrace each other like our own. Because, really, they are our own. They are our own precious neighbors. And, if we allow it, everyone of us can be as precious as if we were each of our own flesh and blood.
A young man who lived on our block ten years ago, comes back to reminisce. He brings his new wife and their six month old baby. And we all sit on the ground in the garden together and coo and laugh and play with the leaves. And there we are, family. And it's more than o.k. that I didn't choose to have children this time around. Because, in truth, the whole world is our family. It's not just my children and my sister that I need to be sure are safe and well fed and cared for, it's everyone's children and everyone's brother. That's why I am so grateful when people stand up and take action on behalf of our beautiful earth or are moved in some other way to make our world a better place. Because everyone is just as precious to someone else as our loved ones are to us. And because we each have a responsibility to make sure that our world continues to be safe and nurturing for all of us. And not just the people, but the plants and the animals and the soil and the water and the air. Maybe there's a few of us, who chose not to have children, (or those who've already raised a family,) who are thus a bit more free to practice this kind of earth stewardship, engaging in husbandry for our planet, if so called.
All of the great spiritual traditions teach us various versions of loving each other as if the other were our own self. Because we are all one, one big human family after-all. The teachings also tell us that either all of us make it, or none of us makes it. And I think that means all of us, as in the whole-big-interconnected web.
The images that the astronauts brought back, seeing that beautiful moon floating before them and then, breathtakingly, the earth that they were leaving behind, with no visible divisions, no groups, just one perfect blue and green ball, transformed us all. (As was attributed to Chief Seattle,) "We are part of the earth and the earth is a part of us... The perfumed flowers are our sisters, the deer, the horse, the great eagle, these are our brothers... All belong to the same family... All things share the same breath... Like the blood which unites one family, all things are connected." So, I hold the earth in my mind as the precious jewel that it is, the water planet, so mild and lovely. And I give to you my love and my blessings, all of you, my sisters, because you are my family too.
© 2011 Josephine Laing
There is nothing more beautiful then a child. Nor is there an experience more sacred than watching a child being born. Witnessing the other doorway to the divine, death, is a close second, but birth is simply miraculous. When one or more persons decides to create and or raise a child, the doors to love fly wide open and a family is born. But the family pattern can reach much farther then that. Together lets examine some of the pluses and some of the minuses regarding family patterns, and then explore the evolving nature of family, along with a variety of expressions that the broader experience of motherhood can take.
My mother had three babies, two boys and a girl. All of us were delivered by natural childbirth. Having been raised on a farm, she had seen and attended the births of animals since she was a child. As a young woman she helped the other women in her community attend to the human babies being born, without doctors, in farm house beds. She was confident, wanted children, knew what to expect and then innately knew what to do.
But this is not always the case. My four aunts all had troubles with motherhood. But back then, there was no questioning it. Like it or not, every American woman, with very few exceptions, had to have children. If she didn't, it was assumed there was something wrong with her. For my aunts, motherhood was expected, birth was frightening and raising children was more than a challenge. Two of them were so overwhelmed by the task that their parents had to step in and take over part or all of the job. The other two managed to do their own child-rearing, but suffered psychologically from the strain. Fortunately, their husbands, realizing the toll it was taking on their wives managed to step up and pitch in. But not all marriages are sound enough for this. Too often families break apart under these kinds of stress-ors. And though some single parents can and do heroically rise to the task of raising their children on their own, the truth is that it would really help to have a village. And clearly, the nuclear family, our culturally-based ideal, is too often not enough.
In the 1950's, in this country, it was every young woman's pre-programmed desire to marry and support her husband's career and raise a family for him. That's how patriarchal cultures like it to be. But the later half of the century showed us that this doesn't really work for either the men or for the women. As a young girl, I watched as all of my older female cousins of that era had that societally imposed dream come shattering down around their heads. Of course their hearts fought valiantly to hold the love of their family bonds together, but discord, financial strain and alcoholism were strong opponents. Fortunately, we humans are very resilient, and they all survived it, but not with their families intact. Watching all of this as a young woman certainly gave me pause.
My brothers and I were the lucky ones. Our mother embraced motherhood with the same desire and confidence that a duck has for water. And our father stood steadfastly by her. Many was the weekend when all of the cousins were at our house, a herd of kids, well fed and having a blast, splashing in the lake and running wild. We had so much fun together, and my parents took it all easily in their stride. Some families are like that, steady, sound, well-grounded and well provided for. And they are good at it raising kids.
I feel very fortunate that my brothers and I were so well loved and well cared for. I wish everyone could be. Our mother would scoop us up in her arms and kiss us all over and read us stories in bed at night. Our daddy would tuck us in and play with us in the evenings and on the weekends. He provided for us and protected us and loved us. My parents were true to each other. And if they did disagree, we never heard about it.
Those kinds of family experiences are too rare these days. And not everyone is so blessed. One of my aunts just couldn't stand being squished down into the house-wife role. It didn't fit. Her husband got angry and after too many years of that, she left. Shortly after her divorce, she dropped her two young boys off at her parent's home in the mid-west, for a week and didn't come back for them for over a year. The boys wound up living on their own by the time they were in their early-teens. They all got through it though and both of her sons went on to become very good fathers. Now they are grandpas and we just celebrated great-grandma's ninetieth birthday with her in style.
Another one of my aunts had such a difficult time with motherhood that she could barely touch her son. Her mother had raised her first child for her, a daughter. And her second husband mostly raised their boy.
Fortunately, now, women like my aunts, don't have to follow these societally imposed familial obligations anymore. If they don't want to, they don't have to. And, many of our religious communities are beginning to realize that the doctrine to go forth and procreate, (which at one time served to secure future community members,) is now outmoded and no longer viable given our world over-population dilemma. Even in the catholic community, those large families of fourteen and sixteen kids from yesteryear are rarely seen in America these days. And thank goodness, the "shot-gun wedding," still alive and well in the 1950's has become a rarity with advances in contraception.
Too often, throughout our his-story, young women have lost their virginity and become pregnant at the same time. They suddenly find themselves with child and no means of support, and often no desire to be mothers. When we are inexperienced and under-educated about our own biology and then swayed by the deep pull of our ovulation, we can be very vulnerable. This combined with a young lover's intense interest and persistence can over ride our resistance. These situations are as old as time. But luckily for us, legions of women's rights activists worked tirelessly on our behalf during the last century and Roe v. Wade passed into law in 1973. This plus the free clinics resulting from the cultural revolution of the 1960's, gave rise to the family planning services we have today. Since then, many young women have had access to an unbiased and thorough education in human sexual biology and contraception. Thus enabling them to either plan the timing of their families if they want them, or if not, enabling them to protect themselves from the huge responsibility of raising children.
It is my sincere belief that spirit never dies. If a child is meant to come to this world, it will. Divine arrangement will make certain that it will happen. And if parents are thus allowed to be discerning, that child will only be born into a loving, welcoming family who is ready, willing and able to receive it. And what a blessing that is.
I've seen images of humpback whales in migration. Usually you see a mother, her baby, and the auntie. That's the way they do it. The auntie helps the mom. She has no child of her own and for that first long migratory trip back up the coast, the auntie assists by keeping predators at bay and making sure the baby is kept close to the surface and helping to push it up for a breath now and then.
As much as we love and enjoy children, Frank and I were never called to raise a family. We dearly enjoy our many nieces and nephews though and we often have them come stay with us for spring break and summer holidays. We've helped them to get into college here, gotten them part-time jobs, and have hosted the families for graduation dinners. But we never really wanted any kids of our own. Frank wasn't terribly eager and I had far too many concerns, like the sheer amount of physical work involved, the sizable expense, along with my observations of all my family member's troubles, and I especially had a profound concern over global environmental uncertainty. I feel that a question worthy of being asked is whether or not the world will continue to be a safe place for our children. Deforestation, soil erosion, food and water issues, carbon footprints, ocean-resource depletion and pollution, are not to be underestimated.
My father pressed, of course. He felt that my life would be incomplete without children. Many parents do. And even strangers sometimes inquire, all insisting that a young woman can't possibly feel fulfilled if she doesn't have a family of her own. But, believe me, I didn't and I do. (Feel fulfilled.) Still, people have told me for years that I'd make a great mother. And, I'm sure that on some level they were right. However, in my heart of hearts, I just didn't want to. I didn't feel a strong call. And I think that's the most important reason of all.
It's fun being an auntie, though, I really like it. It's kind of like being a grandmother. You're not so heavily invested in properly socializing the child. You're a little more free to just have fun and shower love on them. And, for the most part, the parents truly appreciate the help and the time out.
But ever since we were young, Frank and I have seen so many couples fall in love, get married, start living together, immediately begin to commingle funds, all of which is challenging enough, and then jump into the very fast lane of child-rearing. Too often, these pressures added together in close succession mount up and become too much for their love to bear. They begin to show the strain and blame each other for the burdens that are too heavy for most anyone to carry.
Perhaps it's gentler to take those steps one at a time. Can you live together without commingled funds? That's what we did for eight years. That way, if I bought a new dress, Frank was as happy about it as I was. And, if he bought another bike, it was great. And we didn't have to worry about saving for a home and a family. After a while, we thought the home was a good idea, and together we went for that. Then that was good enough for us. And just Frank and I (along with our various plants and animals) together formed our own immediate family.
One of my friends has two horses, two dogs, some goldfish and a cat which make up her family. As a naturopath, she sees and tends to people with their problems all day, so her animal family is a refreshing change to come home to. They take her out every evening to visit her extended family, the meadows and streams and trees. And groups of friends can become family. We've met with our local college buddies for Easter for the past thirty some odd years. If any of us has any trouble, we all pitch in to help.
And there's no guarantee that children will provide for you in older age. Though many do, I have seen plenty that don't. And sometimes even the opposite is true. A growing number of parents find themselves still supporting their adult children, or even raising their children's children. So, if I was in a position to discuss the option of starting a family with a young woman, I'd have to say, consider it carefully before diving in, as it can be daunting. As for my own part, I think I like the Auntie idea.
Now, our nieces and nephews are starting to settle here. Some of them are considering the possibility of starting a family. If they are up for it and they do so, it will be wonderful to be great aunt and great uncle and give mom and dad a break from time to time. Help them all to come up for some air.
In the meanwhile, there is no shortage of children in the world who need love and support. Frank's mother loved raising children so much that in her retirement years, she went to work part-time in the local elementary school. The first graders were her favorites. Those little children are all now grown and having families of their own. And they greet her with love, love, love in the grocery store, and she gets to hold their babies too.
Here in our own neighborhood, we have all of these young adults on our street. Most are on their own for the first time, starting their college careers. So, Frank and I meet them and greet them as they go about their day. We take the time to get to know them. We garden and ride bikes together. And, if anything goes wrong or if something has just scared one of us, we know that we can come right over and talk about it or get help. And we do. (Not too unlike an older European town or a village somewhere.)
Sometimes our neighbors show up at our door in a near panic, or with tears in their eyes. Troubled. And, I thank all that is good and whole, that we are here to help. They know that they can lean on us if they have need. And we get to lean on them. We help each other with all kinds of things, all any of us need to do is ask. We all embrace each other like our own. Because, really, they are our own. They are our own precious neighbors. And, if we allow it, everyone of us can be as precious as if we were each of our own flesh and blood.
A young man who lived on our block ten years ago, comes back to reminisce. He brings his new wife and their six month old baby. And we all sit on the ground in the garden together and coo and laugh and play with the leaves. And there we are, family. And it's more than o.k. that I didn't choose to have children this time around. Because, in truth, the whole world is our family. It's not just my children and my sister that I need to be sure are safe and well fed and cared for, it's everyone's children and everyone's brother. That's why I am so grateful when people stand up and take action on behalf of our beautiful earth or are moved in some other way to make our world a better place. Because everyone is just as precious to someone else as our loved ones are to us. And because we each have a responsibility to make sure that our world continues to be safe and nurturing for all of us. And not just the people, but the plants and the animals and the soil and the water and the air. Maybe there's a few of us, who chose not to have children, (or those who've already raised a family,) who are thus a bit more free to practice this kind of earth stewardship, engaging in husbandry for our planet, if so called.
All of the great spiritual traditions teach us various versions of loving each other as if the other were our own self. Because we are all one, one big human family after-all. The teachings also tell us that either all of us make it, or none of us makes it. And I think that means all of us, as in the whole-big-interconnected web.
The images that the astronauts brought back, seeing that beautiful moon floating before them and then, breathtakingly, the earth that they were leaving behind, with no visible divisions, no groups, just one perfect blue and green ball, transformed us all. (As was attributed to Chief Seattle,) "We are part of the earth and the earth is a part of us... The perfumed flowers are our sisters, the deer, the horse, the great eagle, these are our brothers... All belong to the same family... All things share the same breath... Like the blood which unites one family, all things are connected." So, I hold the earth in my mind as the precious jewel that it is, the water planet, so mild and lovely. And I give to you my love and my blessings, all of you, my sisters, because you are my family too.
© 2011 Josephine Laing