Creating The Life We Love
by Josephine Laing
We all yearn to become more of who we truly are. However, in order to be successful in creating lasting change we must have one vital foundation in place: self-love. This is the key that opens the door to creating the life we love.
We sometimes think that we are loving ourselves when we are admiring our talents or appearance. But this is simply confusing self-love with the ego. It is important for us to appreciate who we are, but self-approval alone is not self-love. By contrast, self-love is about being true to who we really are and listening to what calls us most deeply from the heart of our soul. Self-love lets us answer the questions, “Why am I here?" and "What am I supposed to do with my life?”
For my own part, as a young adult, I mostly liked myself, but loving myself was something that would have to wait until after I'd changed this about my looks, or accomplished that impossible goal, or dropped these habits, or whatever. I always held the act of loving myself some conditional distance away.
Like so many in my generation, I had been taught that self-love is selfishness. Perhaps this is because self-love and being true to ourselves often stands in direct opposition to social duty. When we are busy taking care of ourselves, it can seem like we are unable to be there for others. However, this is an illusion because if we don't take care of ourselves, we cannot really care for others. My mom died prematurely because of this. She was so busy taking care of family and other responsibilities that she didn't take proper care of herself. This left her unable to help anyone.
One of the great religions of the East covers this territory in a well-known story. The Lord Buddha, seeking his passion of true enlightenment, sat himself down under the Bodhi tree. Mara, his enemy, approached him and presented the three temptations which could block his path. First came an army of soldiers ready to fight, threatening the Buddha's very survival. But the Buddha sat firm. Then, foiled at this first attempt to distract him, Mara produced the three seductresses, the temptations of sexual love. Again, the Buddha was immovable. So Mara, now determined to shake the Buddha from his task, presented the most daunting challenge of all: resisting the temptation of social duty. An old beggar woman with a small child and an empty bowl appeared. The Buddha wavered. Then he dropped his hand from his lap and touched the earth with one finger to steady himself. This helped him to hold firm in his resolution. This stance is known as the “Earth Touching Posture.”
The teaching helps us to understand that it is only when we have learned how to love ourselves enough to commit ourselves to our unique life path, that we can fully grow into our own heart of love. This doesn't mean that we are to disregard helping others, but simply that there are times when we have to take care of our own needs first. If the Buddha had not held firm, he would not have gone on to reach his goal of enlightenment and thus bring his own unique gift to the world.
As the Buddha's story demonstrates, gaining access to your true heart may require standing up for yourself. You may have to take an honest look at how you respond to the trumpets of what other people wish for you. Georgia O'Keefe, Martha Graham and Bella Lewitzky were three passionately creative women who all accomplished amazing artistic achievements in their lives. They did not waste their time on being liked or approved of by others. To realize your own unique gift, you may need to change and respond in a new way to the expectations of others, one that more accurately reflects who you truly are. You will only find the strength and courage to do this if you truly love yourself.
The whole goal of a spiritual life is service. We have to serve. But this does not mean yielding to the expectations of others. We are not here to do what other people want us to do. Instead, we need to surrender ourselves to the service that our heart is guiding us to. This is the place of Self-Love, with the capital S. From here we see and acknowledge the unique Divine Spark that is within each of us.
I love this excerpt from "Wild Geese," by the wise and dear poet Mary Oliver. She said:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees through the desert for a hundred miles, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
When we love ourselves, we tend to love whatever we are doing. We become filled with courage, boundless energy and fresh ideas with which to accomplish our inspirations. We find our guiding light, our connection with the Universe, and from there we can share the fruits of our growth with the world. It's the way we manifest, “Thy will be my will,” in our own lives.
Here is a simple guide which I hope will help you to find Self Love and thereby create the life you love.
Ten Steps to Self Love
1.) Say, “I Love You.” Every morning, when you go to the bathroom mirror, look deeply into your own eyes. Say your name out loud and then say, “I love you, I really love you, just exactly as you are.” (I first learned this exercise from Louise Hay and it serves me to this day.)
If you find this exercise hard to do, begin by looking into your eyes and saying, “I am willing to learn to love you, just exactly as you are.” In time, with dedicated practice, you will find that this exercise becomes easy.
2.) Forgive Yourself. A lack of forgiveness is a block to self love. Just as we need to forgive others, we need to forgive ourselves. We can begin by simply stating the words, “I forgive you.” Review your life frequently and forgive yourself and others for every event wherein you have felt discord.
3.) Practice Positive Self Talk. Notice when you are blaming or criticizing yourself and praise yourself instead. These are only mental habits, and habits can easily be changed once we set our minds to the task. Then be sure to notice and tell yourself about every little thing that you do well.
4.) Treat Yourself Gently. Know that you are your own precious darling child. Be kind with your self and with your mind as you are embracing new ways of being. Treat yourself as if you are someone that you really love.
5.) Think Good Thoughts. Find good thoughts and have them ready to replace your scary ones. I like to focus on gratitude. It can be as simple as being grateful for another new day, or having hands and arms with which to throw flowers in the air.
6.) Give and Seek Support. Let yourself seek support and look for ways to support others. We all love to help each other. We always feel better when we do. Reaching out is being strong. So is helping others.
7.) Honor Your Body. Eat well. Get plenty of sleep. Drink lots of good clean water. Create a healing checklist. Let it include fresh air and sunshine, time in nature and exercise. Fill it out everyday and give yourself a gold star.
8.) Have Fun. Laugh and take time to make new friends. Learn some good jokes. Let yourself be more playful. Do something fun that makes you smile every day.
9.) Do What You Love. At least once per day do what you love. Try to give it top priority in your life. Get started by doing any good thing that you are inspired to do, even if it is just a little thing. Let this make your day.
10.) Remember Love. Know that you are loved, loving and lovable. Let yourself love yourself right now. Don't put it off or wait until you've lost those thirty pounds or have a new job. Give yourself a big hug and do it now. Say, “I love you, I really love you, just exactly the way you are.”
When you step into the flow of self-love, you enter into the great river of truth that flows throughout the Universe. You are then free to manifest the highest expression of your unique part of the great dance of life, united with all of Divinity. When you fully love yourself, you truly serve the one and attain selflessness.
© 2013 Josephine Laing
We all yearn to become more of who we truly are. However, in order to be successful in creating lasting change we must have one vital foundation in place: self-love. This is the key that opens the door to creating the life we love.
We sometimes think that we are loving ourselves when we are admiring our talents or appearance. But this is simply confusing self-love with the ego. It is important for us to appreciate who we are, but self-approval alone is not self-love. By contrast, self-love is about being true to who we really are and listening to what calls us most deeply from the heart of our soul. Self-love lets us answer the questions, “Why am I here?" and "What am I supposed to do with my life?”
For my own part, as a young adult, I mostly liked myself, but loving myself was something that would have to wait until after I'd changed this about my looks, or accomplished that impossible goal, or dropped these habits, or whatever. I always held the act of loving myself some conditional distance away.
Like so many in my generation, I had been taught that self-love is selfishness. Perhaps this is because self-love and being true to ourselves often stands in direct opposition to social duty. When we are busy taking care of ourselves, it can seem like we are unable to be there for others. However, this is an illusion because if we don't take care of ourselves, we cannot really care for others. My mom died prematurely because of this. She was so busy taking care of family and other responsibilities that she didn't take proper care of herself. This left her unable to help anyone.
One of the great religions of the East covers this territory in a well-known story. The Lord Buddha, seeking his passion of true enlightenment, sat himself down under the Bodhi tree. Mara, his enemy, approached him and presented the three temptations which could block his path. First came an army of soldiers ready to fight, threatening the Buddha's very survival. But the Buddha sat firm. Then, foiled at this first attempt to distract him, Mara produced the three seductresses, the temptations of sexual love. Again, the Buddha was immovable. So Mara, now determined to shake the Buddha from his task, presented the most daunting challenge of all: resisting the temptation of social duty. An old beggar woman with a small child and an empty bowl appeared. The Buddha wavered. Then he dropped his hand from his lap and touched the earth with one finger to steady himself. This helped him to hold firm in his resolution. This stance is known as the “Earth Touching Posture.”
The teaching helps us to understand that it is only when we have learned how to love ourselves enough to commit ourselves to our unique life path, that we can fully grow into our own heart of love. This doesn't mean that we are to disregard helping others, but simply that there are times when we have to take care of our own needs first. If the Buddha had not held firm, he would not have gone on to reach his goal of enlightenment and thus bring his own unique gift to the world.
As the Buddha's story demonstrates, gaining access to your true heart may require standing up for yourself. You may have to take an honest look at how you respond to the trumpets of what other people wish for you. Georgia O'Keefe, Martha Graham and Bella Lewitzky were three passionately creative women who all accomplished amazing artistic achievements in their lives. They did not waste their time on being liked or approved of by others. To realize your own unique gift, you may need to change and respond in a new way to the expectations of others, one that more accurately reflects who you truly are. You will only find the strength and courage to do this if you truly love yourself.
The whole goal of a spiritual life is service. We have to serve. But this does not mean yielding to the expectations of others. We are not here to do what other people want us to do. Instead, we need to surrender ourselves to the service that our heart is guiding us to. This is the place of Self-Love, with the capital S. From here we see and acknowledge the unique Divine Spark that is within each of us.
I love this excerpt from "Wild Geese," by the wise and dear poet Mary Oliver. She said:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees through the desert for a hundred miles, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
When we love ourselves, we tend to love whatever we are doing. We become filled with courage, boundless energy and fresh ideas with which to accomplish our inspirations. We find our guiding light, our connection with the Universe, and from there we can share the fruits of our growth with the world. It's the way we manifest, “Thy will be my will,” in our own lives.
Here is a simple guide which I hope will help you to find Self Love and thereby create the life you love.
Ten Steps to Self Love
1.) Say, “I Love You.” Every morning, when you go to the bathroom mirror, look deeply into your own eyes. Say your name out loud and then say, “I love you, I really love you, just exactly as you are.” (I first learned this exercise from Louise Hay and it serves me to this day.)
If you find this exercise hard to do, begin by looking into your eyes and saying, “I am willing to learn to love you, just exactly as you are.” In time, with dedicated practice, you will find that this exercise becomes easy.
2.) Forgive Yourself. A lack of forgiveness is a block to self love. Just as we need to forgive others, we need to forgive ourselves. We can begin by simply stating the words, “I forgive you.” Review your life frequently and forgive yourself and others for every event wherein you have felt discord.
3.) Practice Positive Self Talk. Notice when you are blaming or criticizing yourself and praise yourself instead. These are only mental habits, and habits can easily be changed once we set our minds to the task. Then be sure to notice and tell yourself about every little thing that you do well.
4.) Treat Yourself Gently. Know that you are your own precious darling child. Be kind with your self and with your mind as you are embracing new ways of being. Treat yourself as if you are someone that you really love.
5.) Think Good Thoughts. Find good thoughts and have them ready to replace your scary ones. I like to focus on gratitude. It can be as simple as being grateful for another new day, or having hands and arms with which to throw flowers in the air.
6.) Give and Seek Support. Let yourself seek support and look for ways to support others. We all love to help each other. We always feel better when we do. Reaching out is being strong. So is helping others.
7.) Honor Your Body. Eat well. Get plenty of sleep. Drink lots of good clean water. Create a healing checklist. Let it include fresh air and sunshine, time in nature and exercise. Fill it out everyday and give yourself a gold star.
8.) Have Fun. Laugh and take time to make new friends. Learn some good jokes. Let yourself be more playful. Do something fun that makes you smile every day.
9.) Do What You Love. At least once per day do what you love. Try to give it top priority in your life. Get started by doing any good thing that you are inspired to do, even if it is just a little thing. Let this make your day.
10.) Remember Love. Know that you are loved, loving and lovable. Let yourself love yourself right now. Don't put it off or wait until you've lost those thirty pounds or have a new job. Give yourself a big hug and do it now. Say, “I love you, I really love you, just exactly the way you are.”
When you step into the flow of self-love, you enter into the great river of truth that flows throughout the Universe. You are then free to manifest the highest expression of your unique part of the great dance of life, united with all of Divinity. When you fully love yourself, you truly serve the one and attain selflessness.
© 2013 Josephine Laing